Faiza - Me and my Memories of You!

Sometimes I think I would go mad. How the world is full of deceitful people! But then I think, these people are not bad, its some kind of a disease that has spread to most of them, that forces them to lie, it forces them to say and do things different from what they are actually feeling. Could it be the brain, the deceitful device that we all are born with? Could it be that it controls the heart and what we are feeling, and hence forces us to lie to everyone? Especially to the people who are the closest to us.
Then I think further about this I realize something else, how many of us haven’t lied to our own selves? Not many of us are truthful with ourselves, and then suddenly the picture changes. The people who lie to me have probably never been truthful to themselves all their lives. They do not know what the truth is or the feeling of truthfulness is, then how can I expect them to be true? It’s like asking a blind person who has never seen any light in his life, the color of the sunrays!
I go on thinking further and realize, these days even I haven’t been completely true to myself. Even I am getting infected by the disease. Although a bit later than others, but I think I am infected. I always was a person who listened to the heart more than anything in the world. And yes I agree that it has landed me in to trouble more than often. But the excruciating pleasure there is behind following your heart and being true to yourself!! Now because I’ve known this pleasure, I find all the pleasures in the world to be of less intensity. Although, the road to this pleasure is not an easy one! The world turns against you. You don’t have a friend in this one, and everyone thinks you’ve lost your mind. But the final ecstasy is so great that you are ready to face these difficulties and keep moving towards it.
But recently, I really am not sure, when was the last time I had felt this pleasure of being true to myself. Along with the years, as I get older, my strength to face the infected world, the deceitful world keeps getting depleted. And for the first time in years I find myself feeling fear….fear of being truthful among the infected people. Fear of fighting with them and losing, there were times I had tossed everything I had just to experience this pleasure, but now I can not! I don’t know why? Maybe I am scared that if this time it didn’t work, then I might have no time to correct my actions, maybe the voice of my heart I listened to has ever so slightly got smaller and smaller along the years, and I really don’t hear anymore what it tells me. What if this time out of all times it is not right! I have never seen myself face these confusing and double minded thoughts until now. The only reason I see to this situation of mine is that the deceitful device, the infection has got to me as well and I am turning into one of these deceitful and untruthful people I so much hate!