Faiza - Me and my Memories of You!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
missed u!!
Yesterday I saw you online, you had such a lovely picture on your profile. As if an angel was standing there, everything was white in the background, you were wearing a lovely light orange colored tshirt with blue denims. I can still see you if I close my eyes. Your hands in your pocket, a watch in your left-hand (is it still bobbi?), the other hand was empty, you weren’t wearing the bracelet. I felt sad, but I know and I understand that you have moved ahead. I opened the messenger window, so that I could see you profile pic more clearly, I typed a HI in the box, and then I deleted it. Why should I remind you, what if you have already forgotten me, I don’t want to bring back those hurtful feelings. I just kept the window open, and pretended as if im chating with you. I know this is a bit crazy, but ive always told you I was crazy! CRAZY FOR U! Anyways I am sad and am happy at the same time. It’s a confusing feeling. I am happy coz I feel as if ive met you or spoken with you, and am sad coz I realize that we haven’t actually spoken or contacted each other since 28th June 2007, almost 11 months now. I think this is the longest silent period of our lives
The infection called "Deceit"
Sometimes I think I would go mad. How the world is full of deceitful people! But then I think, these people are not bad, its some kind of a disease that has spread to most of them, that forces them to lie, it forces them to say and do things different from what they are actually feeling. Could it be the brain, the deceitful device that we all are born with? Could it be that it controls the heart and what we are feeling, and hence forces us to lie to everyone? Especially to the people who are the closest to us.
Then I think further about this I realize something else, how many of us haven’t lied to our own selves? Not many of us are truthful with ourselves, and then suddenly the picture changes. The people who lie to me have probably never been truthful to themselves all their lives. They do not know what the truth is or the feeling of truthfulness is, then how can I expect them to be true? It’s like asking a blind person who has never seen any light in his life, the color of the sunrays!
I go on thinking further and realize, these days even I haven’t been completely true to myself. Even I am getting infected by the disease. Although a bit later than others, but I think I am infected. I always was a person who listened to the heart more than anything in the world. And yes I agree that it has landed me in to trouble more than often. But the excruciating pleasure there is behind following your heart and being true to yourself!! Now because I’ve known this pleasure, I find all the pleasures in the world to be of less intensity. Although, the road to this pleasure is not an easy one! The world turns against you. You don’t have a friend in this one, and everyone thinks you’ve lost your mind. But the final ecstasy is so great that you are ready to face these difficulties and keep moving towards it.
But recently, I really am not sure, when was the last time I had felt this pleasure of being true to myself. Along with the years, as I get older, my strength to face the infected world, the deceitful world keeps getting depleted. And for the first time in years I find myself feeling fear….fear of being truthful among the infected people. Fear of fighting with them and losing, there were times I had tossed everything I had just to experience this pleasure, but now I can not! I don’t know why? Maybe I am scared that if this time it didn’t work, then I might have no time to correct my actions, maybe the voice of my heart I listened to has ever so slightly got smaller and smaller along the years, and I really don’t hear anymore what it tells me. What if this time out of all times it is not right! I have never seen myself face these confusing and double minded thoughts until now. The only reason I see to this situation of mine is that the deceitful device, the infection has got to me as well and I am turning into one of these deceitful and untruthful people I so much hate!
Then I think further about this I realize something else, how many of us haven’t lied to our own selves? Not many of us are truthful with ourselves, and then suddenly the picture changes. The people who lie to me have probably never been truthful to themselves all their lives. They do not know what the truth is or the feeling of truthfulness is, then how can I expect them to be true? It’s like asking a blind person who has never seen any light in his life, the color of the sunrays!
I go on thinking further and realize, these days even I haven’t been completely true to myself. Even I am getting infected by the disease. Although a bit later than others, but I think I am infected. I always was a person who listened to the heart more than anything in the world. And yes I agree that it has landed me in to trouble more than often. But the excruciating pleasure there is behind following your heart and being true to yourself!! Now because I’ve known this pleasure, I find all the pleasures in the world to be of less intensity. Although, the road to this pleasure is not an easy one! The world turns against you. You don’t have a friend in this one, and everyone thinks you’ve lost your mind. But the final ecstasy is so great that you are ready to face these difficulties and keep moving towards it.
But recently, I really am not sure, when was the last time I had felt this pleasure of being true to myself. Along with the years, as I get older, my strength to face the infected world, the deceitful world keeps getting depleted. And for the first time in years I find myself feeling fear….fear of being truthful among the infected people. Fear of fighting with them and losing, there were times I had tossed everything I had just to experience this pleasure, but now I can not! I don’t know why? Maybe I am scared that if this time it didn’t work, then I might have no time to correct my actions, maybe the voice of my heart I listened to has ever so slightly got smaller and smaller along the years, and I really don’t hear anymore what it tells me. What if this time out of all times it is not right! I have never seen myself face these confusing and double minded thoughts until now. The only reason I see to this situation of mine is that the deceitful device, the infection has got to me as well and I am turning into one of these deceitful and untruthful people I so much hate!
Live!!
Dont think of problems as a reason to die, think of them as challenges to make your living better!!--FAIZA
